April 30, 2024

I have been to Crater Lake National Park twice. Nothing could have prepared me for what I would see as I crested the edge for the first time. In a sense it was as grand as the Grand Canyon to me because it was so deep and so blue. My mind could not comprehend that I was looking across an expanse stretching 27 square miles, a lake that was six miles across and 2,000 feet deep! My curiosities matched that of my young nephews as we began to wonder what mysteries were in its depths. It was seemingly unsearchable, too grand to know.

If this grand earthly display can produce such wonder, how great are the mysteries of our lives in Christ? Have you ever stopped to ponder the depths of the love of Jesus and what happens when that is deposited in your inner man? I have. It is an intimidating and humbling reality, one that makes the fear of the Lord a tangible weighty presence. When I consider what I've been given to steward I am energized to give Jesus everything He is worthy of. It makes me come alive in Christ, and I know it is He who is empowering me to minister His Gospel as He deserves. I can actually be confident that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

But what happens when life happens and we find ourselves no longer confident in this truth? Whether by comparison or self-criticism or disappointment or unforeseen failures we can begin to walk out our Christian life unintentionally detached from the qualifying, empowering love of Christ. I don't know about you, but for me this is a crippling and miserable place. I feel suddenly incapable of effectively ministering to anyone. If I stay disconnected from the truth of Christ-in-me long enough I might not even feel saved anymore! Without the confidence of Jesus' victory and Holy Spirit's help deeply anchored in my soul, I feel like a hypocrite, an imposter.

I've been a nurse practitioner for 10 years (and an ER trauma nurse for five years before that), so suffice it to say I have done and seen a lot. A lot. I remember the journey to get here - seven long intense years of school. The most intense were the final two years with full time work and full time school, frequently adding up to 80-90 hours per week. I did at least one 26-30 hour stretch every 10 days where I would do a clinical rotation from 7:00am to 5:00pm, change into my scrubs, and then go push through a 12-hr ER shift overnight. There were a few days where "tired" beat out "hungry", and my lunch break turned into precious nap time in my car. My brain was filled with so much information that at times it hurt.

Yet, despite all my training and experience, I can still feel inadequate sometimes. It is good to walk in a healthy respect for one's responsibility, be it personal, professional or spiritual, but the lie that says that you are an incapable wanna-be seeks to disqualify and dismantle. Every so often I will get hit with this brief feeling like I am no more capable than my five year old niece running around with her Doc McStuffins kit. Am I really qualified to rightly handle people with the authority and wisdom this requires? I sit down at my desk and systematically sift through the files in my brain to settle on the right diagnosis, select the right treatment, make the right call. Most days it isn't at the forefront of my mind that I've literally held life and death in my hands. It's a weight that I carry but don't always feel. But then there are moments where its weight is evident, and I know I can't afford to miss a single piece of the puzzle. In these moments I can be paralyzed in inadequacy or press into the confidence that I am firmly established in what I know. The lie of inadequacy is a robber - at the least, of joy, and at most, of the call.

This is not an accusation reserved for white coats and lengthy credentials. You may feel like an incapable wanna-be as a parent, a business owner, an artist or even a minister of the Gospel. Of all these things, this accusation's greatest assault is against the redeemed soul. Revelation 12:10 says that the accuser of the brethren accuses us before God night and day. If we were left to listen to the enemy's lies, we would soon forget everything that Jesus has accomplished on our behalf and that the accuser's taunts are powerless lies. His lies are powerless, if only we choose to silence them. They have no authority in their own merit but are given authority when we agree with them rather than stand on the truth of the Word.

Last night I was inundated with severe taunts of inadequacy and disqualification in the ministry that God has called me to. I thought to myself "What are you doing?", considering that the decision to launch ministry and dive into the deep end of the pool was reckless. I felt I would fail before I even began. I felt the joy of this journey suck out of my soul like a vacuum and despair quickly sought to fill its void. "I can't do this" began to well up inside of me.

A few minutes of that mess was a few minutes too long. I sat down to pray and all I could say was "Jesus, I'm not enough but You are enough". Over and over and over I declared that He is enough, that He is worthy. I was reminded that my strength truly is of no benefit. I am utterly incapable of ministering to or on behalf of a holy, perfect enthroned King and Lord apart from Him. He wasn't looking to qualify me; He has already done that by His blood. He met me to quiet me with His love and silence the lies of the enemy. If I look to my own fill-in-the-blank to assess whether I will be successful, capable or well-pleasing to the Lord I will end up somewhere between disappointed and paralyzed. I can do nothing apart from Him. It is fully in Him and by Him and through Him and for Him.

Paul declares in Ephesians 3:17-19 "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Just as I stood on the crest of Crater Lake, I could survey the vastness of the love of Christ and wrongly believe it is just too much. No! According to Scripture we are given power to grasp it, to fathom the love of Christ and to know His love beyond what we think we can understand. Even more, He desires to fill us to the measure of all the fullness of God. This is of eternal value, deeper and wider than anything our eyes have ever seen. I know that that is His true desire for my inner man - that my soul would know it well - because His Word declares it. Paul even declared that he was called to preach the unsearchable mysteries of Christ (Ephesian 3:8). These depths are not off limits, beloved, and therefore we are not incapable of living the life worthy of the calling we have received. We have been given every spiritual blessing in Christ and equipped for every good work appointed to us. I am everything Jesus says I am because He is everything that He says He is.

The accuser won't stop accusing but I certainly don't have to listen. Lord, let me hold fast to what Your Word declares is true about me and what you have entrusted to me. Don't let me look upon You or the work You are producing within me and find it too mysterious. Let me know it and stand confidently on what You have accomplished, for it is You and You alone, and You are enough.